You might want to take the day of the week into account when texting a new friend (2023)

Let's face it, activating your photo via text message is risky. Are you opening yourself up to the possibility of receiving a "Wait, who is this?" responding, or worse, receivingghostFor someone who doesn't feel.

Unlike face-to-face interactions, where peopleterrespond when you ask them out (because, you know, you're staring at them) having screens between you can make them think they have a pass to be a little less polite (or quick) in response. If you've ever felt the icy sting of text that says nothing more than "k," you know what I'm talking about. "Rejection and humiliation are such vulnerable feelings," she saysMaryanne Comaroto, PhD, psychologist and founder ofjungle queen, a foundation dedicated to healing female trauma. It takes a lot of courage to be the chaser.

But on the other hand, sending that text could be the start of something amazing (or at least fun), if the person you're texting back likes you. And this is something that might not have happened if you had never pressed submit.

In fact, these texts and their responses, despite their frightening potential, are the main indicators of whether this person is worth your attention in the first place, Comaroto adds.

The hard part is knowing how and when to send a text. But don't worry, these expert questions are here to guide you before you even start writing.

1. What is your intention in sending them a text message?

People tend to forget about caution if they're alone, Comaroto says. There's nothing wrong with that, he assures, but unless you're honest in your text about what you want (or don't want) from this person, there's a risk of misleading them if you don't get anything more than later. at night nighthug him. And, he says, consider this: when you don't feel so alone, will you still want that person around?

If the answer is no, maybe I'll reconsider the submission. "Why am I doing what I'm doing?" Comaroto suggests wondering. "Are you going to be okay with [that choice] today and still be okay tomorrow?"

If you're not so sure, Comaroto says to stop and consider your relationship goals. He writes what you want. And he sees, this doesn't have to be a long-term projection with wedding bells and two and a half children. He only considers if you will remember this moment and regret it. and if you arestillI'm not sure, please give yourself 24 hours to think about it and review it.

2. Are you trapped in a fantasy?

Maybe your mind is wandering and suddenly you're imagining traveling the world with this person, having breakfast in bed, all of that. That's cute and all, but not necessarily a reason to text someone. This can sometimes happen, Comaroto says, when you want someone to be your distraction from reality.

So check with yourself. Are you daydreaming because you are in love or because you are trying to bury other feelings with thoughts about this person? If it's the latter, Comaroto says to face whatever you're facing head-on (which, yes,obe uncomfortable). But this is how growth happens.

3. Have you been out with them recently?

Yeah? Then definitely send the text. The best way to get involved, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a Philadelphia psychologist, is to mention something you talked about during the meeting. Let's say they mentioned a movie they really like and you see a trailer for the director's next movie; send them something like, "Hey, I just saw the trailer for [director name here]'s new movie. I can see why I like you." his stuff. If you're free, do you want to see him with me next Thursday?"

Or, if nothing really stood out (are you sure you want a second date?), send a thank you for a good time and suggest something the two of you can do in the future.

"Should I text him?" is not the only question you will be asked when it comes to dating. All the answers to your burning questions, here:

4. Do you want to ask them out?

All together now: send a text message! Send a text message! Send a text message!

How you ask them out is entirely up to you, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, a clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author oflove demystified.

But if making a digital move is more your speed, let them know you're interested in spending time with them and want to know when they'll have some down time for a drink. When they say yes (because who wouldn't want to go out with you?), propose a place and a time and make an appointment.

If, by chance, they're not interested, it's okay to let it sting a bit...and then move on to the next one.

5. Have you texted them today?

In that case, turn off the phone.

Unless the two of you are texting a lot and spamming each other with funny tweets or memes you come across throughout the day, there's no reason to send one message after another.

Spector is fine with an occasional double text, but if you've sent multiple texts that haven't been answered, they're probably busy and haven't seen them. Either they've seen them and haven't had a chance to respond yet, or they have no intention of responding to you. Either way, this is the perfect opportunity to take a hint, Spector says, and backtrack a bit.

She's not saying you can NEVER send this person multiple messages, but a long series of text messages can feel overwhelming, especially if you're just getting to know each other. Instead, Spector says, stick to one message at a time and ease into his texting habits like you would any other party in the relationship.

If you have a really strong urge to text someone a funny meme that just popped up, send it to your mom.

6. Did they text you first?

So answering it is totally up to you.

If you've recently dated them and aren't sure how to respond, you probably don't know how you feel. So take some time and think about your answer. So if you're willing to try again, please reply, but if you think this isn't going to get that far, just tell them you're not interested.

Now if his text gave you butterflies in seventh grade, answer it baby.

Pro tip: They texted you, so you already know they're interested. From now on, don't overthink things. You don't have to wait 10, 20, or 22 minutes before responding to appear less anxious. Bring up the things that are going on in your life (recent music you just discovered, a cool speakeasy you've been meaning to visit) and let the conversation flow.

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7. Have they fantasized about you in the past?

I'd say give them the ghost back, but that's just me being petty.

Real insider tip: Try it yourself, says Spector. If their text is an explanation detailing why MIA and you feel like listening to them, you do and respond. But if you're fed up and really don't care where they've been, feel free to tell them you're not sorry anymore.

If they don't offer an explanation for the radio silence and hit you with a "Hey, it's been a while. What have you been up to?" ask them where they have been. From there, decide if the conversation is worth continuing. Yours is precious and there's no reason to waste it on a shitty SMS (or worse, a shitty person).

8. Is it the weekend or during the week?

Your weekday texts can be just as casual as your weekend texts, but let's face it, weekend texts tend to be a bit more flirty. After all, you don't have work obligations to get in the way of your plans.

Weekend text messages can lead to dates or party invitations. If that's what you want, texting Friday through Sunday is probably the best option for you.

Still, while weekend texts can lead to much-wanted time IRL, they may not always go down well, says Palmer. Some people may want you to send them casual text messages during the week to let them know you're really sorry and not just interested in a weekend hookup.

9. Are there important events happening in your life?

Contacting them to wish them luck on a great presentation they mentioned is a nice thing to do and they will probably appreciate it. Even if you've only been on a few dates, Palmer says, feel free to send a quick note. This lets them know you're thinking of them and keeps you fresh on their minds.

10. Are you texting "just because"?

Who wouldn't want to receive a message that says "I miss you" or "This song I'm listening to made me think of you?" It's true that these texts can be a bit cheesy, but even if you're not in a full relationship, it's just a nice text to send and a nice text to receive – it will make the person in your life feel special.

11. ¿Son ex?

Well, that changes things.

Since you and this person are no longer together, it's probably best to reserve texting for times when you need something specific and have a clear goal for getting it done, says Palmer.

Even if the two of you are still single and there's no risk of upsetting the new partner or yours, take a moment, enjoy the song that reminded you of them for a minute, and move on without hitting them.

You broke up because you weren't a good fit, so give them the time they need to focus on their own lives and develop new relationships. (And youdo the same.) Plus, Palmer says, if you haven't been friendly in the past, there's a chance they'll ignore your message anyway.

However, if the purpose of your text is specific, ie you need to talk to them about the dog you shared or need the number of a plumber who once helped you out of a traffic jam, go ahead and send them a text message. text. text for them. Just make it a direct message and avoid including too many jokes.

12. Is this a new relationship?

By the time it's official, Palmer says, you'll have an idea of ​​your operating system's text messaging preferences. and they will have a good idea of ​​yours. So if you normally send a few texts throughout the day, keep it up.

"The way couples communicate is specific to the people in the relationship," according to Palmer, "and every relationship is slightly different." Some people may want to get good morning and good night messages even on the days they are, and others may find all text messages arrogant. The safest bet is to do what feels right to you, keeping in mind what your partner would also like to receive.

And if you're not sure, ask, says Palmer. Yes, the question may seem strange, but relationships sometimes get weird. Try: "Hey, I sent you some messages today and you were slow to respond. Did you get distracted at work? Would you rather I kept my messages to the essentials?" Or: "Hey, I'd love to hear a little more from you throughout the day, just to know I'm thinking of you."

13. Have you fought recently?

Even if you've been in a relationship for a while, the best thing to do is wait until the waters between the two of you calm down. That way, you'll both be more receptive to each other's explanation of why you both felt hurt.

Then there's the matter of apologizing or approaching the argument from a distance. In those cases, a face-to-face conversation is your best bet, because you have the added bonus of body language to get your point across (not to mention, get a better read on their reaction), Spector says.

But if you're worried about the thread becoming another thread, Spector says texting is fine. He just choose your words carefully. That's the beauty of a text... you can take the time to select the perfect message.

Your post-argument text formula? First, explain what upset you, then acknowledge her part in the argument, she says. She tries something like this: "About the fight yesterday... I was hard on myself with the joke you pulled. I didn't find it funny and it hurt me. Sorry for raising my voice though."

14. Do you need to ventilate?

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to vent," says Palmer. If he's upset about something, the move is always to express how he feels, once he's had a chance to collect his thoughts. But don't expect an answer, he adds.

This is a great opportunity to gauge where you are with someone, says Palmer. Their response will tell you everything you need to know about how seriously they take their feelings. If you do respond, please take what you wrote seriously and want to work things out, great.

But if they ignore what you're saying or just ignore you, you probably don't need to spend any more time texting them.

15. Do you want to know if this relationship is getting better?

There's nothing wrong with telling someone how you feel over text and expressing that you see the connection turning into something more, like aexclusive relationshipsays Palmer. If your crush feels the same way, he'll send you a text to tell you so.

However, as soon as you say "I really like you", the ball is in their court. That means being prepared to hear something you're not going to like.